


Hold a Heart, Bear the Burden

by agustdomain



Category: NCT (Band), Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Tokyo Ghoul, Angst, F/M, Inspired by Tokyo Ghoul
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 06:42:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16424384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agustdomain/pseuds/agustdomain
Summary: In a distorted world, there are two sides of society: the good and the bad, the light and the dark. Only few understand that not everything is as straight-edge as it seems. Unfortunately, who a person is and what society makes them can inevitably end in trauma.





	Hold a Heart, Bear the Burden

He could feel his mother brushing her hand against his cheek, the cold air smacking into him when walking outside, and the warmth of walking into a busy kitchen. He could hear faint voices calling out to him, whispering and wrapping around him, soothing him to sleep. His eyelids felt heavy, and he found it harder and harder to try and open them. The voices blended together, a cacophony of volumes and intonations and incomprehensible to decipher. Suddenly, he wasn’t hearing the voices, but hearing his mother’s laugh ring in his ears. He wasn’t shrouded in darkness anymore, now he was in the kitchen that he had felt earlier. She was looking at him over her shoulder, her gaze fond and motherly. She was beckoning him towards her, and he smiled, reaching his hand slowly to meet hers.   
Suddenly, he was whipped away from her, thrown into an abyss of coldness. He was drowning, suffocating, in flames, and all he could do was try to scream.  
“Sir, we’re losing him. His body isn’t responding to...!”  
He tried squinting past his hazy vision, only seeing faint and distorted shapes. Although he couldn’t breathe, he tried to smile. He wanted to be with his mother again.  
“He’s losing too much blood.”  
“What you’re suggesting is against protocol, sir.”  
“He’s going to live. Move back. I said move back!”  
He smelled the blood in the air, tasted the copper on his tongue. He couldn’t help but think that he was dead already, and as his eyes rolled back into his head, he could only feel the excruciating pain of someone ripping into his stomach.  
~  
A loud pounding at her front door startled her awake.  
“What the-” She hissed, straightening in her stool. Blinking away the drowsiness, her eyes found the clock above her stove. 1:23 am. Noticing her racing heartbeat, she listened for any sound. For a moment, she wondered if she had dreamt of someone banging at her front door. That thought quickly shattered when another round of pounding occurred, causing her to flinch. There was no other sound in her small apartment, everywhere but the kitchen shrouded in darkness. She stood, frozen, her heart rate picking up as her eyes strained through the shadows nd towards the door.   
It was silent for a few more seconds. Then more pounding.   
She didn’t move from her spot, wondering if she should call someone or pretend she’s not home. Regardless of what she wanted, her thoughts were once more interrupted when she realized that there was a sound that was filling the silence now, a buzzing coming from the living room. She made a beeline for the glass table in the darkness, her eyes honing in on her lit phone screen. Her body filled with relief at the familiar name on the screen.   
She accepted the call, opening her mouth to speak, but was intercepted before she could fathom a word.  
“It’s me.” A click. She furrowed her eyebrows, her throat becoming tight at the odd tone of her friend’s voice. Blankly, she stared at her dark phone screen, her heart rate picking up once more for a different reason now. It was fear, yes, but now it was worry. Because even in two words, she knew something was wrong. Treading slowly to the door, she inhaled a slow breath before unlocking the door and swinging it open.   
It was Zhong Chenle, yes, but it wasn’t him. This was a ghost of him, a pale and vulnerable version of him. His facial expression was raw, his eyes bloodshot and his hair damp from what she assumed was a shower or the rain. He was shivering, the look in his eyes terrifying more than the fact that he didn’t look like himself.  
Stepping aside, he wordlessly stepped into her home, disappearing into the darkness as she locked the door. Turning, her eyes scanned the practically pitch black living area before heading to the kitchen. He wasn’t there. Taking one last look at her abandoned work on the kitchen island, she flicked the lights off before slowly making her way down the short hallway and towards the bedroom.  
The door was opened wide but framed in pitch blackness, and the only sounds she could hear was her heartbeat in her ears and her feet padding against the wood floor. Any other night, this observation wouldn’t bother her. But something was wrong. She could feel it in the pit of her stomach, and the tightness of her throat. Clenching her fists, she stepped into the bedroom, eyes straining through the darkness to see if Chenle was in the room.  
There was a crash that broke the silence, causing her to jump in fright. Whipping towards the direction of the bathroom, she noted the slit at the bottom of the door was lit, and she strode to the door, jiggling the doorknob.  
“Are you okay? What happened?”  
No answer. Silence.  
“Chenle. Open the door.” Her voice was shaky, worried, and she didn’t let up on shaking the doorknob. There was no answer for several beats, before a ghost of a voice came from the other side of the door.  
“Sorry.”  
Her stomach twisted, and he4 hands had a mind of their own as one pounded on the wood while the other twisted the knob as if it would magically unlock. “Open the door. I’m serious.”  
She stopped, her chest heaving from the anxiety. She had a really bad feeling. Something had happened to Chenle, something that stole the light from his eyes. She hadn’t recognized the boy that stepped into her home. And she needed him to open the door.  
“Chenle. Please, open the door. You’re scaring me. Just please-” She heard the click, as quiet as it was, and her hand flew towards the doorknob, swinging it open. Stepping in, her eyes found his form rather quickly. He was a shrunken version of himself, his body caved in on himself as he sat on the edge of the bathtub. She couldn’t see his face, but his quivering body was enough to spur her into action.  
Rushing to him, she kneeled in front of his body, her hands shaking as they hovered over his form. From this angle, sje noted that his eyes were squeezed shut, his hands hugged to his chest. At the feeling of her hands on his cheeks, his face crumpled, a sob breaking out of his mouth. There was no hesitation as she pulled him into her embrace, his body limp as he fell off the bathtub and into her arms.  
From silence to deafening noise, she couldn’t get a handle on what was unfolding. Her mind was racing, questions overwhelming her and begging to spill past her lips, but she pushed the thought away as she caressed the back of his head. If possible, his body was quivering more than when he had first arrived at her doorstep. She could feel her shirt quickly dampen, and his sobs echoed throughout the bathroom.  
His cries were traumatizing, uncontrolled and unrelenting. They sounded like they were coming from around the both of them, like an unfamiliar person had stepped into the room with them and was crying for him. She was very terrified of what that possibly meant.   
Soon enough, she knew the reason behind his despair. His sobs had lessened, his tears still evident as he pulled away to look through her. His hoarse voice filled the air between them, a death sentence, a permanent etch into her mind. “He’s dead.”  
She felt everything stop, suspended in time as she stared into the eyes of a blank and empty soul. “What?”  
“Park Jisung is dead.”  
~  
He woke up before his body did.   
Unmoving, he allowed his ears and his nose to be his sight. He could hear a faint television playing in the room, but as he strained to hear what it was playing, found it difficult to decipher what was on. Inhaling slowly, he felt his stomach churn at the scent of strong disinfectant. Moving his fingers slightly, he caressed what laid beneath him as he came to the conclusion that he was in a hospital.   
His eyes opened slowly, the sunlight that poured into the room from his right offering up an unpleasant reality check. Moving his head slightly he took in the empty room and tried to move, yelping in pain at the sensation that rippled through his body. It was only then that he registered how off his body felt, his torso and his chest aching if he even breathed. Hissing, he tried moving slowly in order to accommodate his pain, but it did next to nothing to ease his suffering. It was then that he heard the click of heels as a nurse entered his peripheral vision.  
From his side-eye, he saw her freeze in her tracks before spinning around and quickly making her exit, and he assumed it was to alert the doctor that he was awake. His assumption was correct, because beats later an older and fluid man strode into his room, the nurse right behind him.  
“I see you’re finally awake. Pleasure to meet you.” The nurse came to the young man’s aid, patiently helping him maneuver himself into a seated position. Wincing at the pain, he gazed silently at the doctor as the latter quietly watched his patient.   
The doctor stared back at him with composure before he let a friendly smile graze his lips. A beat of silence. Humming, the doctor nodded before saying, “I’m grateful you’re awake, Lee Jeno. You had us all worried for a while. Do you remember what happened?”  
And all Jeno could do was stare back at him, his mind trying to recollect what had landed him in a hospital bed. But he was still in a daze, and the unpleasant feeling in his body was beginning to require his attention. He shook his head as a response.  
The doctor hummed once more, a grave expression watching over his face.   
“I’m afraid there are some matters we need to tend to, then.”  
~  
Stepping out into the hallway, Y/N glanced at her wrist watch before sighing heavily. She had a feeling that she was going to be late in meeting Chenle for lunch, but she had hoped that her rushing around like a cheetah would save her time. Naturally, it did next to nothing.  
To make matters worse, she fumbled her keys and they slipped from her hands, the clattering making her wince in annoyance. Scooping them up, she quickly locked up her door before turning and heading down the hall. Initially, her mind was already elsewhere and focused on trivial things- until she slowed to a stop in front of her neighbor’s door. It was quiet in the hall, even quieter behind his door, and she stood there for a moment, just staring at the dark wood. The only sound that could be heard is the slight jingling of her keys, still encased in her hand. Blinking at the door, she snapped out of her reverie and continued her trip down the hall, opting for the stairs instead of the elevator.  
Her mind mulled over her neighbor, wondering why she hadn’t seen him around in a while. Frankly, they only spoke as acquaintances, greeting each other in passing. However, she was quick to take notice of his absence for the past few weeks. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she saw him. The idea struck a line of worry in her, and so she decided that when she got back home, she would track down the apartment landlord and ask questions. She hoped he hadn’t moved out, because it was nice to have someone around her age that lived just down the hall from her. The thought might be odd, but besides her neighbor and herself, everyone else in the complex were old enough to be her grand-parents.   
All too soon, she reached the rendezvous point where she was to meet her friend. It was a lively and friendly little cafe a few blocks down from her apartment. Personally, it wasn’t her choice of coffee, but it was Chenle’s favorite and she had a tendency to give into her soft spot for her precious friend.   
He was late.  
Y/N managed to finish half of her drink and two chapters of the book she had brought along before she heard the chair across from her scrape across the floor. Looking up, she met the gaze of her serious friend, her eyes narrowing at the uncharacteristic seriousness in his face. Yes, she was aware of the change in her friend these past few weeks, but she had thought there had been progress in terms of him becoming like his past self. Quickly, she grew worried.  
“Is everything alright?”  
Waving her off, he sighed and said, “Yes, Y/N. You worry so quickly about me.”  
She didn’t respond, only blankly staring at him and waiting for him to explain why he looked so forlorn. Staring back, he broke first, his eyes finding the surface of the table before him. His fingers found purchase on the shiny surface, palm flat on the table before he raised his fingers up and off of it. It seemed he was buying time, his fingers dancing across the surface and painting invisible lines. It could be his thoughts, a picture, anything that she couldn’t decipher from her seating position. He was hunched forward, his focus intently on the table. He was nervous, that much she could tell. If there was anything that she had learned in the years of knowing him was that he was an open book when it came to his emotions.  
“I have a job now, Y/N.”  
Her eyebrows raised at that. Her voice came out unsure, dipping her toes into the water. “That’s… a good thing, right?”  
Chenle’s fingers stopped in their dance, hanging suspended in air. His eyes trailed up to meet hers, as unfamiliar and as unsettling as the night from weeks ago, the night that she refused to mull over. His voice came out uncharacteristically cold.  
“I’m on a team.”  
At first his words confused her, as if she missed the punchline of some previous joke that only the two of them knew. When her mind made the connection, she felt her face pale as she stiffened in her seat. “You mean… You’re an investigator?”  
Chenle straightened in his seat, his hands taking purchase in each other atop the table. Composing his nerves, tucking away all of his anxiety. She didn’t like what she was seeing. His response came out nonchalant, unbothered, fake. “Yes. One of the youngest to ever be accepted.”  
“Do you think I give a shit about that? Chenle, you don’t know what you’re getting   
yourself into-”  
His eyes flashed, effectively silencing her before his words even did. “I know better than anyone what I’m getting myself into. I told you before I applied that I was going to make sure that the wrongs of the past would be made right- by me.”  
She forced a bitter chuckle out, her eyes stinging with the overwhelming emotion that   
had hit her full force. “Do you even hear yourself right now? You just signed yourself up to die and you expect me to be okay with that?”  
Chenle shrugged his shoulder, his face so beautifully cold and unlike the happy boy she once knew. Losing someone changes a person, and she was dealing with the aftermath every single day. Chenle swallowed inconspicuously, but she noticed. She always did. His next words shattered her heart.  
“The world is a terrible place. It breaks and kills and ruins. The monsters in it take what  
you value the most, and I want to play a part in getting rid of those monsters. Maybe it would be easier to sleep at night,” He muttered the last part, and she knew he didn’t notice the tear that had managed to slip down her cheek. Quickly swiping it away, she did everything in her power to not break down in front of him. It seemed that the road Zhong Chenle was going down could only mean he would meet the same fate as his best friend that had only died weeks ago. The world was a terrible place, indeed.  
Before she could get a hold of her thoughts, her attention was pulled to the television plastered in the upper hand corner of the coffee shop. It was on a news channel, a grim looking woman reciting recent news. At first, she wasn't going to pay it any mind, but hearing a few words struck a chord within her, her stomach dropping as her eyes trained on the woman.  
… And the people living within the 9th and 10th districts are expressing their concerns   
to their local organizations. The GEC has been focusing all their efforts in neutralizing the threats found in these specific zones, but they suggest that the citizens in these districts follow protocol and abide by the guidelines that are being issued out every day. Three ghoul attacks occurred last night, scattered across the expanse of the two aforementioned districts. The GEC has reported that four victims were discovered. An investigation has been well underway…  
Y/N couldn’t stand to hear anymore, her chest tightening as her eyes found the sight of her friend’s face. He wasn’t looking at her, though, his eyes trained intently on the television like hers had been moments prior. Shaking her head in disappointment, her voice came out weak and watery. Feeling helpless, all she could manage was, “And you want to be apart of that? Putting your life on the line every single time you step out the door? You want to… risk ending up like Jisung?”  
Instead of angering him like she assumed, Chenle calmly turned to meet her gaze. His   
decision was final, unwavering. She could tell that he would not be swayed, not only through the conviction in his eyes but in the calmness of his once frantic words. This was not the Zhong Chenle she once knew.   
If possible, her heart sunk even further at his next words.  
“Jisung didn’t have a choice. He was weak compared to a ghoul. He was murdered by a monster, made a meal and given no chance to fight for his life. I’m going to make sure that I kill the monster who thought that he was an easy kill.”  
“Chenle-”  
“And I won’t stop there. I will exterminate this whole damn city of ghouls. They don’t deserve to live after taking away the people we all love. And I will die with the knowledge that every time I kill one of them, that’s one less person who has to suffer at the hands of one.”  
She was in a daze, even when he bid her goodbye. Stumbling home, she hardly paid attention to her surroundings even though she knew she should. His words replayed in her mind over and over, shattering her continuously. Picturing her bright and youthful friend, she remembered those moments from long ago when she used to pray that he never lost the light in his eyes. And in these moments, she realized that it had come to an end way too soon.  
Y/N remembered Jisung then, trying to push the thought of him away. Just this once, he slipped through. She remembered his soft nature, his rimmed glasses as they glimmered in the sunlight. She pictured the life fading from his eyes as a ghoul stripped him of his last breaths. She stopped in the middle of the pavement then, someone bumping into her and cursing at her, but she didn’t care.  
She was afraid.  
Afraid of the world she lived in, of the once distant nightmare term known as ghouls. Before the loss of Jisung, she had only heard of stories about ghouls. She heard the stories from a friend of a friend, from her aunt who speaks of the loss of Y/N’s mother. All around her, in one way or another someone had been influenced by a ghoul. And she would have never predicted that Zhong Chenle would have to experience the insufferable pain that an encounter with a ghoul brought. He had lost his best friend, his confidant. A memory of the two boys laughing echoed in her mind then, now tainted by the picture of a stormy Chenle who dreams of vengeance. And she knew.   
Y/N knew that she couldn’t let Chenle do this on his own.   
With a newfound determination, she strode back to her apartment, a fire in her veins as she processed the actions she planned to take. Whatever it took, she knew she was going to be by Chenle’s side. She was not going to let him die at the hands of a ghoul, even if it meant her life as the price.   
Not really paying attention, she entered the apartment complex quickly, striding towards the staircase. She noticed too late when someone stepped in front of her, and without any delay she slammed straight into the person’s back. Stumbling back, she fumbled with an apology, her eyes moving to meet the person who had turned around at her disruption. Her apology died on her lips as she registered the familiar face.  
“Jeno,” His name fell from her lips in surprise, his face stoic as he stared back at her. He seemed a bit unusual from the last time she saw him, his face pale and his eyes tired. Yet, even though it had been a few weeks, he looked relatively the same. Snapping out of her thoughts, she apologized once more for bumping into him.  
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” That seemed to be enough for him, because after his brief reply, he turned and made his way towards the elevator. And although Y/N had intended to take the stairs, her curiosity about Jeno urged her to follow him. They stood in silence for a minute or so, Y/N trying to study him as inconspicuous as possible. When he side-eyed her for a split second, she faced forward, realizing that he must’ve noticed how much she kept glancing at him.  
She decided to speak up once the both of them ascended to their floor.  
“I haven’t seen you around in a while. I was just about to ask the landlord about you.” She watched as he breathed in calmly, his eyes unfocused and his mind likely elsewhere. Stuffing his hands deeper into his sweatshirt pockets, he glanced at her for a moment before he simply said, “That so?” The rest of the ride was spent in silence.   
When the doors opened, he led the way out, his walking slow as if to signify that he was thinking of a response. They reached his door first, him glancing at her before he quietly offered, “I’m back home now. Thanks for wondering about me.”  
And for a split second, she forgot how screwed up the world was as she allowed herself to indulge in a slight laugh. Walking towards her door, he watched her in silence. When she reached her door, she looked over at him and said, “That’s not something to thank someone over, you know.”  
He shrugged one shoulder, his words honest and sincere. “In my book, it is. I don’t see anyone else around here wondering where I was at.”  
She felt the urge to ask him, but something about his tired eyes told her to keep her inquiries to herself. And so just as she stepped into her home, she peeked out half her body into the hall, flashing him a sincere smile. “I’m glad you’re back, Jeno.”  
He didn’t smile back.  
~

It was like one moment, he was completely fine, and the next he felt like he was going to die.  
Stumbling into his bathroom, Jeno could barely form a comprehensible thought as he reached the toilet, dry-heaving into it. His body fell into a cold sweat, a feeling of lightheadedness and dizziness washing over him. Wondering if this is what happened after leaving the hospital, suddenly his stomach twisted in pain. He was hungry.   
Yet, he had been having this hunger pain for days on end, and no matter what he did his body was not taking in anything he was trying to put down. Just then he heard his phone going off in the other room with an incoming call, but he was too weak to even get up. Pressing himself up against the wall across the toilet, he tried to remain as still as possible in order to not further upset his stomach. No matter what he did, a continual pang sharpened his stomach.  
“Why can’t I eat?” He whispered to no one, refusing to entertain the thought that had continued to ring in his ears the moment it was first formed. A previous conversation with the doctor kept replaying in his head, taunting him and terrifying him. And as he became woozy from his hunger, he allowed himself to fully remember the conversation.  
“Jeno, I’m sure you’ve recalled your memories the last few days.”  
Jeno simply nodded before voicing, “I was attacked. By a woman.”  
“No,” The doctor corrected him, “You were attacked by a ghoul, not a woman. And you would’ve been killed if not for an investigative team that had been tracking the ghoul for quite some time. You were lucky.”  
“But?” Jeno asked, sensing more to the story. The doctor’s grim expression was enough of a telltale.   
“But you weren’t too lucky. You would’ve died if… I hadn’t done what was necessary.”  
“And what was that?”  
The doctor maintained eye contact, making Jeno’s heart pick up speed. “You’re aware that organ transplants were done to save you, correct?”  
And as Jeno’s stomach dropped, he was highly aware of the doctor’s implications.   
Jeno stumbled back into his living room, hissing at the weakness of his body. Attempting to throw himself across the couch, he miscalculated and landed with a thump on the carpeted floor. The impact barely hurt, the pain in his stomach far greater. He was starving, and for what he failed to acknowledge.  
He had left the television on, the news channel listing off something about the weather. It wasn’t until minutes later of him unmoving on the floor that the television piqued his attention. He was still too weak to move his head to see the screen, but he could hear the reporter’s words loud and clear.  
“... And in recent studies, it’s been reported that since 2013, a rapid rise in workers are needed in the line of work known as ghoul extermination control. A recent interview with a university professor reported that the number of students who go to school to join the task force jumped a small percentage of 7% in the last five years. More students are encouraged to reconsider, because the rise in recent ghoul activities has left every district unsettled. And a recent report of the GEC indicated that some students are eligible to head out into the field in less than a year, based on skill and hard work alone.”  
The words rang in Jeno’s ears, loud and clear. His throat tightened then, suddenly his body being overcome with thirst and hunger all at once. He gasped, his vision becoming spotty as he tried to get a handle on reality. He felt like he was dying, from the sensations that were coursing through his body and from the disoriented nature of his mind. The doctor’s face flashed in his mind, then, one last piece of the conversation engraved into his mind.  
“So you’re saying…” Jeno didn’t want to say it, too afraid that it would make it real. The doctor wasn’t the same way, familiar with dealing the cold reality to people, Jeno imagined.  
“Yes, Jeno. Your organs are that of a ghoul’s. Like I said, I did what was necessary to save your life. And as we speak, I am being reviewed for the several rules I broke to save your life.”  
And even though Jeno felt sick, like he didn’t know himself, he managed to whisper, “Thank you.”  
“Dude, you look like shit.”  
Jeno squinted upward, his vision blurry. Blinking it away, he managed to make out the familiar face of a friend that he had forgotten about in the light of recent events.  
“Donghyuck. How did you…” Jeno couldn’t finish his thought however, curling up at the pain in his stomach. Moaning at the feeling, he heard shuffling from another presence in the room. He felt cold hands graze his uncovered arms, and he sighed at the sensation. He glanced at the person, a soft smile grazing his lips before he let his head fall back on the carpet.  
“He looks really bad, Hyuck. We need to do something.” Renjun. If Jeno was coherent enough, he was positive he would’ve cried out of happiness. He assumed that he was needy from the lack of social interaction he had, but being near Huang Renjun felt almost like it would feel if his mother was still alive. And although he saw Renjun right before his accident, it had felt like a lifetime ago. He was a friend he had cherished since the moment he met him, which had been a little over a year ago when they both started university. The boy’s passion and his tendency to see the world a little differently than most made Jeno’s fondness for him grow more so than he thought possible. And because of his fondness, he liked to imagine that the pain in his body dulled slightly.  
“I suppose we do.” There was silence for a moment, maybe longer, before Jeno felt himself get hoisted up. His body was practically limp, and he found it a difficult feat to even hold his head upright. He was being held up by both guys, his body likely falling straight to the floor if they weren’t holding him up.   
For whatever reason, Jeno felt drawn to look at Donghyuck. He quickly understood why, discovering that the guy was already staring back at him. Something was brewing in his eyes, but Jeno couldn’t figure it out in the state he was in. He had never been close to Donghyuck, only really knowing of him because of his closeness to Renjun. If he was honest, Donghyuck had always rubbed him in the wrong way, noting something weird about him. Even in his barely coherent state, he could recognize that sensation as he stared back at him.  
“We’re going to help you out.”  
And for a reason Jeno didn’t know yet, his stomach twisted in something other than hunger: dread.

~  
It had been about a day since Y/N last saw her neighbor. She felt more at ease knowing that he hadn’t moved out, but a thought struck her, popping up at random times during the following days. He looked sick, tired, and it did worry her considering it was the first time she had seen him in weeks. She pondered making him soup and dropping it off one of these days, but she had plans for the day and would have to schedule that for another time.  
She intended to go out and get an application for the GEC School of Study, and she was doing it without Chenle’s knowledge. At least, that was her plan until she took notice of Jeno standing and facing his own front door.  
Opening her mouth to greet him, she fell frozen when his keys clattered to the floor in front of him. In any other circumstance, she would’ve written it off as an act of clumsiness. However, this wasn’t any ordinary circumstance as she silently witnessed him lean forward and rest his head on the wood, muttering something to himself over and over. It unsettled her, and she was at a loss of what to do.  
Tightening her grip on her purse strap, she figured it was best to leave him alone, to just walk past and let him work out whatever it was that seemed to be plaguing him. Again, her initial plan crumbled as she moved to walk past him and she heard him start crying. Freezing right behind him, she silently stared at his back, at his shaking shoulders and tried to brush off the ache that filled her heart at the sound of his cries.  
She didn’t know why he was crying or why he was upset. She hardly knew anything about him, other than minor details that they had shared with each other in passing since she moved in about six months ago. Even though this was the reality of their relationship, it didn’t stop her from reaching down, scooping up his keys then proceeding to reach around him to unlock his door. He barely moved his head, his bloodshot eyes watching her silently as she took the keys out from the knob. At the look she gave him, he moved off the door and to the side, allowing her to open the door for him. And she didn’t know what spurred her to walk into his home, but she did it anyway.   
Stepping inside, she took a moment to gauge her surroundings. It looked similar to her own apartment in terms of design. Everything else was different though, distinctly Jeno. The thought made her heart a little warm. Setting his keys down on a nearby table, she turned to watch him shrug his jacket off, wordlessly walking to what she assumed was his bedroom. Y/N didn’t know what she was doing there, what inspired her to do the most simple thing for her neighbor that she barely knew. But something in her wanted to help him. In those moments, she became reminded of that ill-fated night all those weeks ago, when Chenle showed up at her door as broken as a shattered vase. She recognized the parallel, and she buried it deep inside her as she strode into his kitchen.  
Opening the fridge, her mouth opened in shock for a moment as she noted how empty it was, only a half jug of orange juice and a few types of vegetables strewn about. Quietly shutting it, her same curiosities of where he was for the past few weeks began to eat at her. Standing alone in her neighbor’s kitchen, Jeno’s smiley and friendly face flashed in her mind. And she compared it to how he had been in her most recent interactions with him. Suddenly, she felt like everything about her world was changing.   
A couple moments later, she found herself standing outside the slightly ajar door that she determined was his bedroom. She rapped her knuckles on it a couple times, listening for his response. It quietly came, soft and her cue to push it open gently. She didn’t step inside, only allowing her eyes to find his form sat on the edge of his bed. Taking a moment to study him, she felt her heart sink as his bloodshot eyes emotionlessly stared back at her, the pallor of his face making her stomach twist. His similarities to Chenle on the night she wished to forget were so painfully clear that it felt like she was re-experiencing the memory firsthand.   
Pushing that thought away, Y/N shook off her nerves and attempted to form a comforting smile on her lips. “I was thinking I’m going to head out and buy you some groceries. I can make you some soup.”  
Jeno blinked at her, before he slowly said, “I’m fine. You don’t have to do that.”  
She kindly fought him on his words, waving her hand dismissively. “I want to. Think of it as… a form of gratitude for not moving out. Like I said, you are the only person near my age around here, and it keeps me more sane than you can even imagine-”  
“I said no.” His voice cut through the air like a whirring bullet, ripping into her before her brain could even register. She was at a loss of words, embarrassment flooding up within her as she tried to recover from him snapping. Gazing at him silently, she noted that he didn’t even look ashamed or guilty, just blank.   
She slowly shook her head, as if she didn’t really know what to do in the aftermath of being rejected. Her breath came out in a quiet whistle before she quietly said, “I’m sorry if I overstepped my boundaries. I… I’ll see you around.” With that, she turned on her heels and didn’t hesitate to walk out of his apartment and out the building, her shame eating at her.   
Beating herself up, she felt ashamed, like she did something wrong. On her walk to her destination, she kept replaying that moment where he snapped so coldly, without even using many words. It was all in his tone, in his demeanor. He didn’t want her help.  
By the time she reached the school to get her application, her opinion of the situation shifted. She wasn’t ashamed of herself anymore, no, she was angry at him. Y/N believed she was only being polite, friendly to her neighbor in a time where he so clearly was struggling. She would’ve understood if he had simply said he would like time alone, or even politely declined. But to be so harsh and short with her, she felt like it was uncalled for and not what she deserved at all. Her blood was boiled, annoyed at Jeno.  
After receiving her application, and on her way home, her opinion shifted one last time. She thought of him crying outside his front door, how he allowed her in his home even though they barely knew each other. Her heart twisted at the memory, and her angry quickly faded away. She came to the conclusion that he only snapped because he has stuff he’s dealing with, and he doesn’t know how to control his emotions.  
She wasn’t angry anymore, because she understood. Y/N knew that everyone had their moments, and besides this one time Jeno had always been kind to her. And when she reached home, she could only hope that he would be able to cope with his struggles, and that he would be okay.  
~  
It was 2:17 am, and there was a soft knock at Jeno’s front door. He sat unmoving on his sofa, his eyes blankly staring at the wall above his T.V. It was playing black and white static, the sound muffled and quiet. He could do nothing but stare, his thoughts altering between frantic and nonexistent for the last several hours. Jeno could do nothing but sit, none of the outside world penetrating the little bubble he had built around himself. He wasn’t the same, and he could acknowledge that. And he kept being struck with the prospect that if this was his new self, he was deathly afraid of what kind of life was in store for him.  
This wasn’t him.  
Or rather, this was him.  
And he didn’t want to live with that.  
His phone cut through his little haven, its shrill tone blaring and filling the dark room. Jeno’s eyes flickered to the phone that had been earlier distributed on the table in the corner, but that was all the object would get out of him. His eyes returned to the sliver of wall above his t.v., easily returning to his thoughts.  
The previously soft knocks turned into pounding. It made Jeno’s heart race, the sound resonating through the darkness of his apartment and making the hairs on his arms stand up. Still, there was no movement from him.  
It took until 2:43 am for whoever was at the door to stop knocking.   
It wasn’t until 3:07 that Jeno stood up, turned off the t.v., and went to his room.   
The next morning, he woke up to the same knocking that had been at his door only hours beforehand. Groaning, he sluggishly got out of bed and padded over to the front door, slowly creaking it open before it got shoved the rest of the way from the other side. Jeno jumped back, his eyes assessing the intruders with a stoic look. From the position of Donghyuck’s raised hand, he knew it was him that had shoved it open. His face was lined with frustration, his top lip raised in a snarl. Jeno was unaffected.  
He was accompanied by Renjun, who looked more approachable with his worried eyes and pursed lips. Huang Renjun, his good friend that he had known since he first started school over a year ago. A guy that was all smiles and witty banter, someone who knew how to ease Jeno’s stress upon first sight. Someone he would’ve been able to easily call his best friend in the past.  
Huang Renjun was different in his eyes now.  
With the knowledge that he wouldn’t be able to force them out, Jeno turned on his heel and headed back to his room. Tossing himself on the bed, he allowed his sleepiness to take over his body. And he was almost completely unconscious until he felt a firm grip around his ankle before he was aggressively yanked off the bed. The impact with the floor washed away his drowsiness, and it was the first time Jeno felt any resonating emotion in weeks.  
“What the fuck?” Jeno growled, his temper spiking as he stared up at the perpetrator. It was Donghyuck, of course, his nonchalant nature pissing off Jeno even more. Donghyuck was studying his cuticles, his face composed before he chose a finger and began ripping at one with his teeth.   
Humming, he seemed unfazed by Jeno’s anger as he inquired, “Why didn’t you answer the door last night?”  
“You mean why did I ignore someone’s knocks at 2 am? Maybe because it’s late at night and I’m not stupid.”  
Donghyuck smirked then, dropping his hand down at his side as he responded, “You and I both know that if someone broke in, you’d be able to protect yourself just fine.”  
Donghyuck’s implication made Jeno’s stomach churn, effectively silencing him as well as his anger as he rose to his feet. Shoving past Donghyuck, he walked back into the living room and ignored Renjun who stood in the corner studying the books that were on his shelf. Sitting down on the couch, he allowed for the two unwanted visitors to explain why the hell they were bothering him again. Frankly, at this point in his life he didn’t want anything to do with them anymore.  
“Our precious friend here seems to be throwing a fit.” Donghyuck’s voice rang out from behind him, the speaker still making his way from the hall to the living room. His words tugged at Jeno’s annoyance, but the moment had passed. He was back to his stoic self, his mind taking up more of his attention than his emotions.  
Renjun turned at his friend’s words, studying Jeno closely. His voice came out gentle, worried. “Is everything alright?”  
Jeno merely scoffed.   
There was silence, still as the air right before someone pulled a trigger on the silence. That trigger was Donghyuck gripping the back of Jeno’s neck roughly, pulling him to his feet. Jeno instinctively reeled his elbow back into Donghyuck’s arm, yelping at the pain, but his grip was as firm as iron.   
“Enough, Hyuck. What the hell are you doing?” Renjun barked, taking a step towards the two guys but doing nothing at the scene unravelling before him.  
“If he’s going to act like a brat, I’ll show him how I deal with brats,” Donghyuck hissed near Jeno’s ear. It struck another chord in Jeno, and it was enough to send him over the edge as he threw himself forward, stumbling and crashing into the floor, successfully breaking out of the hold. Nonetheless, it made Jeno’s body ache as he huffed, sitting up and glaring at Donghyuck.  
“Why are you here? I don’t want anything to do with you,” Jeno finally spoke what he had been thinking, but it seemed to have no effect on Donghyuck as his eyes flashed.  
“I’m afraid that doesn’t matter. And do you think I’m a fan of you? News flash, all you’ve shown me is that you’re a little bitch who cries because life didn’t go their way-”  
“Oh, screw you-”  
“Enough.” Renjun’s voice cut through their quickly rising tension, his patience ebbing away the more the two guys were at each other’s throats. Jeno watched him quietly, his anger fading the more he looked at Renjun and transforming into something more… sad. When he had seen them a couple days ago, his perception of them had been completely different than what it was now. Now, he looked at Renjun and saw a stranger. And in recent events, he believed that this realization was what made him the most sad.  
Renjun walked up to Jeno, kneeling in front of him on his haunches. His eyes studied Jeno’s face, and his lips pursed at whatever it was that he found. Jeno wondered if he imagined the melancholy that flickered in his eyes before it vanished. With a quiet sigh, Renjun said, “If you want more answers about the lifestyle you’re taking on, you should come with us. We’re not going to force you, but I would advise you to consider.”  
Jeno blinked, no fight left in him. His voice was void of anything. Maybe he should’ve died when that woman- that ghoul- attacked him. Because maybe then he wouldn’t be living life, having to face the same demons she had. Maybe he wouldn’t have to learn to accept that he was a ghoul himself now.  
Jeno felt a slight stinging on his face, his eyes slowly opening on their own accord. Squinting up at the blinding light above him, he had assumed it was the sun that was beating down on him. The last thing he remembered was Donghyuck and Renjun supporting him as they left his apartment, and then he drew a blank after that. Now that he was fully awake, he was able to fully study his surroundings. He was in a small and hot room, the ceiling light big and blinding. Even though it was attached to a ceiling fan, the fan itself seemed to be failing at cooling the room. Moving to sit up, Jeno took note of him lying on a single mattress that was almost completely level with the floor. In the corner was a computer set with four screens, each with something different lighting it up. Besides the things he took notice of, and the open door in the corner, there was nothing else in the room.   
He finally let his attention settle on Donghyuck, who was previously watching him inspect the room. Jeno assumed it was him that had slapped him awake, but decided to let it go.   
“Where are we?”  
Donghyuck only chuckled softly before walking out the room. It annoyed Jeno, but he tucked it away. There was no point to engage in any sort of emotion these days. He wasn’t himself, and he had to keep reminding himself of that. He feared the day that he didn’t remember himself, and would forget who he used to be. And he feared the person he was becoming.  
Just as Jeno stepped into the hall, he keeled over at the pain that ripped into his stomach. The sensation was so powerful, it almost knocked him completely to the floor, but Jeno managed to steady himself with a hand that had flown to stop the fall. Pushing himself up to stand, he managed to lean on the sides of the hall and drag himself forward. His vision was going in and out, spotty then vivid, blurry then clear. He was too weak to be afraid, but he couldn’t help what was happening to him.  
That’s when the smell hit him.  
At first it was subtle, until it hit him full force and nearly knocked him to his knees for a completely separate reason. Jeno’s body straightened, all of his focus training on the addictive scent that suddenly filled his nostrils, his head, his entire being. He swallowed at the scent, his body unconsciously rushing down the hallway as his brain focused on the smell. It was inviting, calling his name, saying that this would dull his pain. He wouldn’t be hungry anymore, if he just got a taste.   
He began salivating just as he made it into the room, the sight before him taking a moment to kick in past the severe hunger that had taken over him. Once it registered, his heart dropped right as his mind cleared. He felt his face pale, his mouth fall open in horror as his eyes drunk in the sight.  
Falling back in horror, his scream garnered everyone’s attention, the two unfamiliar figures in the room standing up from their previously kneeling position. Jeno felt like he was choking as he took in their blood red eyes- no, their dark eyes that had red targets in them. He was staring at fear himself, murder, darkness. He was staring at demons. He was staring at ghouls.  
The one nearest him raised his hands as if he were trying to calm him down, which made Jeno’s body react quickly, shoving himself back across the floor. He bumped into the wall behind him, his eyes now trained on the dead body that was spread across the floor behind the two figures who silently watched him.  
Jeno felt sick, his stomach churning. Dry heaving, he doubled over beside him and hacked up nothing. After all, he hadn’t eaten in days.   
“G-g-ghouls…” Jeno heaved, his breathing uneven as he felt light-headed. This wasn’t happening. Donghyuck and Renjun hadn’t taken him somewhere to be eaten. They said they were going to help him out, they were going to help him, they were going to-  
Just then Renjun entered the room, and Jeno felt his mouth open to tell him to run. Everything froze though as he watched him approach the two figures with familiarity, uttering something and making them leave the room. Jeno felt dead, like his heart wasn’t beating as he watched them exit without a word, their eyes still as black as night, red dots where a human’s pupils would be.   
Jeno dry-heaved again as his eyes registered Renjun rip off a piece of the dead body, his fear causing him to freeze up as who he thought was his friend approach him. Renjun’s eyes were like the two ghouls from earlier. His face was emotionless, his gaze focused on the petrified and broken guy before him.  
“G-get away…” Jeno stilled as Renjun reached down and placed the flesh in front of his face. Jeno expected to throw up, to shove it away, anything else besides the feeling that washed over him. The scent was intoxicating, his eyes falling closed as his entire attention fell on what Renjun was holding.   
When Jeno opened his eyes, he felt something else had taken over. His hunger did. All he could tell himself was that this was the answer. His pain would go away, his hunger would fade, if he would just accept the food-  
And just like that, Jeno cried out as he turned his face away, physically and emotionally in pain. “Get away from me! I don’t want that! That’s… You’re a murderer! That’s a person, that’s-”  
“Jeno,” Renjun’s voice was soft, and just like it always was able to, it effectively calmed Jeno down. He fell silent, his breaths being the sound that filled the air between them. He knew he was sweating, his stomach growling loudly and his confusion still prominent though he had unknowingly connected the dots. “This will make you feel better. I… You’ll die if you don’t eat.”  
And this was the first time Jeno had cried in front of Renjun, but he supposed this was a day of firsts. As he crumpled, he covered his face, hoping with all of his being that this was a dream. That he wasn’t a ghoul, that Renjun wasn’t, that he would wake up and realize that it was all a shitty nightmare. He wished that he had never tried to help the woman that nearly ended his life, the ghoul that had tried to take his life but even after death, still managed to take it. This was his life now. And he didn’t know how to live with himself.  
“Renjun, I can’t… That’s a person. They were alive. This is…” Jeno had calmed down a little, able to form more words. He was shaking though, weighing his options as his sad eyes attempted to look away from what was causing the addictive scent that kept calling his name.   
Jeno connected eyes with Renjun, and this time the latter didn’t try and hide his sadness. He stared at Jeno with guilt, as if he were the ghoul that attacked him. He looked like he was in pain, like it hurt him to see Jeno this way. Perhaps he was hurt to see it, but Jeno couldn’t register that considering his hunger was overwhelming once more. He was deathly afraid of his quickly waning resolve the more he tried to resist the temptation in front of him.  
Another voice cut in then, from the corner of the room. Among the internal chaos, Jeno hadn’t noticed that Donghyuck had been in the corner of the room the entire time. He was leaned up against the wall, his eyes human and narrowed as he watched him back. Jeno supposed he was a ghoul as well, considering his comfortable state being near a dead corpse.   
“Just like any animal on the pyramid, you eat to survive. Lions eat gazelles. Sharks eat seal. Humans eat cows, pigs, chickens. We,” Donghyuck grinned, a dark look overcoming his face, “Well, we eat humans. To survive. You’re going to have to live with that if you want to live.”  
Jeno swallowed, this time out of dread. “I… I can’t. I’m human. I- How did this happen?”  
“You are human. But you’re a ghoul too.” Donghyuck leaned forward then, as if he were about to tell him a secret. His eyes were bright, excited, and it made Jeno sick to his stomach. “Don’t you understand why you haven’t been able to eat since you woke up?”  
Jeno’s eyes unfocused, remembering everything that had happened. The operation, how he now had ghoul organs. He wasn’t even sure how the guys in front of him knew about what had happened, how they knew he hadn’t been eating.  
He still felt like he couldn’t do it, gently pushing Renjun’s hand away. They both froze at Donghyuck’s voice, Jeno’s fear rising up in him.  
“You could deny Renjun. We aren’t forcing you to eat. But I’ll tell you this right now. The difference between how the others eat… and how I eat, is enough to make you reconsider. You can come with me if you want to see.”  
Jeno felt his heart break, feeling at a complete loss.  
And he knew that this truly meant he was never going to return to his old self.  
He didn’t know if that was enough to break him.  
“I’ll go with you,” Jeno finally spoke, filling the silence that had suffocated the air for an unknown amount of time. He kept his body facing away from the two ghouls in his home, wondering what life was now, and what this meant for his future. Did he even deserve a future? He was a monster, half-human and half-ghoul. At least, that’s how it felt when he gazed in the mirror and saw one eye that he knew his whole life, and another that mirrored the ghouls that he had seen back at that unfamiliar place. He saw an eye with a soul, and perhaps an eye without one. He was scared of the unknown. But now, he had an even bigger fear. He was scared of being alone. Because of that, he let Donghyuck and Renjun lead him out of his apartment, ignoring the concerned look in Renjun’s eyes, and the blankness in Donghyuck’s gaze. He simply walked, because if he didn’t he feared that he would never find the motivation to live. And to not live, is to die. For the first time, Jeno was facing fears he never thought he would have to encounter.  
Yes, he did not want to be alone.  
~  
“This decision, is one you have to make alone, you and you only will be able to fully decide if you’re willing to die for society. The GEC isn’t just about killing ghouls, but about restoring faith in people. It’s about reassuring those who have been broken by the monsters that feed on our people. Ghouls may look like us, may integrate themselves into society and pretend that they are us, but they are murderers. They feed on our families, our children, the people we love. And if you give them the chance, they’ll feed on you. Make sure you are completely devoted to the idea that you will likely die in this field of work, all for the good of humankind. And if you feel you are fully capable, then welcome to GEC. You have a ways to go, but I can assure you that you will be out in the field in no time.”  
Y/N nodded alongside her peers, her classmates as they all stood stock still to listen to the instructor’s words. Although fear had filled her heart at the instructor’s words, her resolve to be beside Chenle’s side in the future was far greater. She was determined to be beside him, because she feared that if she wasn’t around, he would quickly get himself killed due to his emotions. She wasn’t going to let that happen.  
Once the instructor dismissed them, she began packing up her bag, her mind elsewhere. She thought of the tedious and resilient studies she was about to get into, the grueling and draining training she was going to undergo. Due to the high demand of new ghoul investigators, their instructor told the incoming students that some would be on the field as quickly as eight months. The thought instilled her fear, but lit her determination. Y/N needed to stand out, to be at the top of the class, in order to be chosen to join a team early. And she had to go about figuring out a way to somehow join Chenle’s team. Her life had completely flipped upside down upon deciding to join the GEC.   
But she wouldn’t have it any other way.  
She wanted to protect Chenle, be by his side. So she had to do this. She would have to do whatever it takes.  
A few hours after her first day, Y/N had just arrived outside her front door when she heard chatter from behind her. Glancing back, she took notice of two unfamiliar guys exiting Jeno’s apartment. Jeno was nowhere to be seen, but Y/N assumed they were friends with him given their casual nature. Both took notice of her at relatively the same time, two different vibes radiating from the two young men.  
One was friendly, his smile polite as he nodded slightly and turned his attention away. The other left Y/N feeling unsettled, his eyes cold and intimidating. He held her gaze even as he continued his walk down the hall, his gaze over his shoulder as his mouth twisted into a sinister grin. The other young man’s elbow into his side effectively took his eyes off of her.   
She stared down the hall moments after they left, wondering why the man’s eyes held something standoffish, something that she had never witnessed firsthand, and why the thought of him knowing Jeno put her on edge. Whatever it was, she forced herself to brush it off, her worries about her studies and her training taking up her brain instead of how uncertain her future had become in the span of a few weeks.  
It was a couple weeks after she had grown accustomed to her new priorities, to her new studies and new mindset, that she ran into Jeno again. This time, the run-in unravelled in the lobby of their apartment complex, and she intended to offer up merely a polite smile as she walked past him thumbing through the envelopes in his hands. His eyes were a bit wide upon noticing her, opening his mouth to say something but Y/N giving him no time to say anything as she made a beeline for the elevator. She thought she was in the clear, the elevator doors gradually closing before she heard his familiar voice call, “Wait! Hold them open for me!”  
Internally sighing, she hoped he wouldn’t say anything, still a little uncomfortable with him since their last exchange. Regardless, she did as he asked, his frazzled appearance appearing moments later as he stepped into the elevator.   
“Thanks,” He quietly offered, Y/N nodding in response as she reached forward to hold the close button. They remained quiet as they ascended floor by floor, Y/N being keenly aware of how close he was and ignoring her desire to move away. She felt him glance at her a total of three times during the ride, putting her on edge because she knew that meant he wanted to strike up conversation. When the doors opened up on their floor, she flashed him one last friendly smile before stepping out ahead of him and heading for her door. She hoped he wouldn’t say anything, knowing there was a great chance since her door was further down the hall and gave him more time to work up the courage. As she grew closer to her door, she thought that maybe he actually wouldn’t talk to her-  
“Y/N… I was wondering if we could talk for a moment.”   
She stopped in her tracks, letting her eyes flutter closed. She hated that she was right. Exhaling a deep breath to steel her nerves, she calmly turned around to face him. He was a little further down the hall, near his door. He looked a little on edge himself, his dark bangs sweeping down and shading his eyes. Y/N noted that he looked a little better than when she last saw him, though he still looked slightly tired. She also noticed that his style seemed to have taken on a different look, for the Jeno she used to know was more dressy and preppy while he now had a darker and more casual appearance.  
“Well, actually, I have a lot of work to do before my shift tonight. Homework, that is. I hope you understand.” She wasn’t lying. Not only did she want to avoid awkward confrontation with her neighbor, she had a ton of homework that had yet to be touched.  
“It won’t take long. I just want to apologize. And if you’d let me, I’d like to make you some tea or something in order to showcase my sincerity.” She gauged his seriousness, trying to uphold a facial expression that wouldn’t blow her cover. Her cover that quickly cracked as a smile spread across her lips.  
She ignored his surprised reaction, her words coming out sincere as she said, “Alright. That sounds nice. Though I wonder why you feel the need to be proper about it. You could’ve just asked and I would’ve said yes.”  
He had the decency to look bashful, his eyes finding his front door as he slid his keys   
into the knob. Looking over at her, he offered up a small smile, which made her heart flutter a little considering it’s been months since she saw even a hint of a smile from him. “Tea? Or would you prefer something else? Coffee?”  
Y/N began walking backwards towards her door, his expression dimming before she even got a chance to explain her actions. Hooking a thumb over her shoulder, she explained, “I’m going to change into something more comfortable,” his expression returned to normal as she added, “I think coffee is the way to go tonight, especially with the busy night I have ahead of me.”  
“Fair enough. I’ll leave the door unlocked for you.”  
She shot him an okay sign before heading into her own apartment. Y/N couldn’t understand the sensation that was bubbling underneath her skin as she weighed the options of what to wear. At first, she couldn’t determine why exactly she was stressing about what comfortable clothes to wear, and why she was feeling a bit excited. It clicked all at once, wanting to scold herself for being a little excited at getting to spend some time around her relatively good looking neighbor. The feeling washed away as a very clear memory of him crying flashed in her head. Sighing, she pushed down all feelings of her excitement as she pulled out a simple t-shirt and shorts before carelessly tying her hair back. Finishing it up by pulling on a pair of socks then slippers, she grabbed her keys and headed towards the door. Thinking twice, she decided that it was the nice thing to do to bring something to share as well, so after deciding on the leftover cookies she recently bought from the store, she headed to his apartment.   
Just like he said, his door was open as she stepped inside, quietly shutting and locking it behind her. Y/N listened for any sound, only registering the faint sound of the coffee being filtered and made by what she assumed was his coffee maker. Tilting her head, she listened for any other noises and was met with nothing else. Slipping off her slippers and leaving them by the door, she quietly padded towards his living room, noting that it was empty before stiffly taking a seat on the sofa. Looking around, his bookshelf in the corner garnered her attention, her fingers itching to sort it and make it look more tidy. Ultimately, the longer she stared at it the more she grew fond of its appearance. Even though it didn’t look like her own bookshelf, it was nice. It was Jeno.   
Her eyes surveyed the rest of the small living room, getting interested in the dark quilt   
that was slung across the love seat a few feet away. It looked soft, plush, and she wondered if her assumptions were right. Looking at the walls, she saw only two photos hung, one of them rather large and taken by a professional photographer. It was a negative photo of an open field, surrounded by a spidery and ominous-looking forest. The other hung photo frame seemed to display Jeno with two other people, looking really happy with wide smiles brightening their faces. The contrast was enough to get your mind working.  
“Sorry. I figured I would change too.” Y/N turned at the sound of Jeno’s quiet voice, replying with understanding as he took a seat at one of the two loveseats that sat adjacent to the lone sofa in which she sat. He looked comfortable, ready to sleep, and Y/N’s heart squeezed at the idea that she didn’t really know what his life was like. Was he a night owl, sleeping small periods of time just to keep himself going? Or was he an early bird, checking in by 9 pm and waking up before the sun rose? Did he have a job? Was he a barista, a waiter, a pizza delivery guy or an assistant in an office? Y/N was aware that he was majoring in Linguistics and minoring in photography, but she wasn’t sure what he was doing to pay the bills. Cutting off her overly nosy thoughts, she complimented his apartment instead.  
“Ah,” Jeno looked bashful once again, his own gaze jumping around the room as he said, “Thank you. It really isn’t much. When I moved in, I envisioned it being more… lively. Now it’s just... Just an apartment, I guess.”  
The words made Y/N sad, but she didn’t say anything in response. Side-eyeing him, she thought to herself that he was quite precious in terms of appearance. After all, it was 4 in the afternoon and the guy was wearing a green t-shirt and plaid pajama bottoms. If anything, he could barely be waking up to start his day.  
“I’m sorry that it took so long for me to have this conversation with you. I didn’t intend for weeks to pass, it’s just… life has been rocky. Haven’t really had time to just sit and think.”  
From his voice, she knew he was being sincere. Even if she wasn’t determining anything from his tone, she didn’t have a reason to not believe him. Nodding her head, she felt herself relax into his sofa, showcasing what she hoped was an understanding look in his direction.  
“Don’t stress it. We all have lives that we have to care for ourselves.”  
“Strong point. However, it doesn’t excuse me snapping at you. For that, I apologize. I was… going through some stuff then. That still doesn’t excuse it, but I just wanted you to know that it was never my intention to be rude to you. You’ve been nothing but kind.”  
“Apology accepted. Don’t worry, Jeno. I’ve got thick skin. Besides, you’ve been nothing but kind to me too. I didn’t take it personally. Just figured you had some pent up emotions you hadn’t quite sorted through yet. And… I hope you’re doing better.”  
Jeno’s face darkened, though he tucked it away so quickly that Y/N would likely forget the observation. His voice didn’t quite come out convincing as he quietly voiced, “You could say that.”  
After their inevitable exchange, it was like they returned to their past dynamic. After   
Jeno brought them both a steaming mug of coffee, they sipped at their drinks at their own pace and let conversation flow between them naturally. It was the first time that they had ever sat down together and talked, getting a little peek into each other’s lives. And even though it was the first, it felt like they had done it before. They talked about school- though Y/N left out the fact that she was currently enrolled in the GEC school since no one knew about it- and they talked about work. Jeno wasn’t currently working due to his accident a couple months ago, and for the first time he briefly gave some details about the accident itself.  
But Y/N didn’t feel the need to pry, sensing his wariness and his discomfort and deciding that she preferred it when they discussed other topics, for she got to witness little peeks of warmth in his demeanor. Through their exchange, Y/N knew that ultimately something had changed within her neighbor. He did smile here and there throughout their conversation, but they were less unrepressed than they used to be. His eyes were dipped in gloom, somber and guarded. Jeno seemed to easily get lost in his thoughts, more quiet and more reserved. She wondered if this was in the aftermath of his accident, or something else affected how he had changed.  
“Well, as much as I’d love to talk more about the one thing that is overwhelming me right now,” She had just gotten finished with explaining her homework assignments, “I better get going.” He quickly stood right after she rose from the sofa, walking ahead of her and opening the door for her. Stopping in the threshold, she connected eyes with Jeno, her expression softening as she took in his features. Y/N couldn’t really figure out where her soft spot for him originated, but she didn’t mind it the more she searched his face. “Thank you for having me over. Next time, I’ll make you dinner.”  
His mouth slightly fell open before composing himself, nodding and letting a  
tight-lipped smile mold his lips. “That sounds… nice.”  
And after she bid him a goodbye, she couldn’t shake the feeling that arose in her chest. Shaking her head, she realized that she hadn’t felt this good in weeks. And to her surprise, it was all because of Jeno. She decided that it was kind of medicinal to be able to take a step back from the demands of her reality, and just sit with someone who doesn’t personally know her. And to just let the conversation run its course was relieving. She hoped that they would get the opportunity to do it again soon.  
~  
It was like Donghyuck knew exactly what to do to put Jeno more on edge than he could possibly be.   
It was the day that he agreed to going with Renjun and Donghyuck to learn more about his new lifestyle, and it was the day that he continued to wish he had his old life back. They had been completely silent through their journey back to the apartment that Jeno had woken up in when… he found out what he was.  
Half human, half ghoul.  
If Jeno had heard of the abnormality before his accident, he would’ve deemed it impossible. But here he was, living proof that the peculiarity could exist. He still had no improvements in terms of accepting himself.  
When nearing the apartment complex that he was being led to, Renjun explained that it housed him and his three buddies, Donghyuck being one of them. Explaining it was a little difficult for Renjun, Jeno could tell, and he figured that his own blatant distaste was prominent in his facial expressions. Regardless, it didn’t stop Renjun from being honest.   
Mark was the unofficial leader of their clan. He was of sound mind, always responsible and mature with the lifestyle they all followed. Jeno learned that ghouls weren’t created, but born. It made him all the more terrified of what he was, but Renjun assured him that Mark would be able to dive into more detail.   
Renjun also described the type of eating behavior that him and the other two mentioned guys followed. Jeno was slightly relieved to discover that they were a clan that hunted murderers across the city. His relief was only slight, though, because the human part of him was aware that regardless of the murderers they were killing, they still had a life. They were humans… being eaten by ghouls. He told himself that it was better than mindlessly killing, that they were only killing the people who took other people’s lives. And it didn’t take much to accept it. After all, he was part ghoul himself now. He… had eaten as well.   
And as they neared the apartment complex that housed all the young ghouls, Jeno made the mistake of asking what made Donghyuck different from how he killed. He thinks that deep down, he knew the answer. He just wanted to hear it aloud. Donghyuck merely cackled, not a semblance of remorse in his features. It chilled Jeno to the bone.  
“I eat what looks delicious to me. I have a thing for young women. Though, a young man here and there will catch my attention. I just… can’t resist myself.” His words were so casual, as if they were chatting about favorite foods. Jeno felt sick, knowing that Donghyuck was being completely sincere based on his unbothered nature. And when Donghyuck glanced over to see how affected Jeno was, he only hummed in amusement as his lips twisted into a cruel smirk. He feared what he was getting himself into right as he stared into Donghyuck’s dead eyes.  
Jeno flinched at the sensation of Renjun’s gentle hold on his shoulder. He ignored the flash of hurt in Renjun’s eyes, refusing to believe that he was the same Renjun he had always known. These were strangers he was with, and with a hollow feeling in his chest he realized that he had never felt so alone in his entire life.  
“Don’t pay him any mind. He’s different from us.”  
Jeno didn’t respond, slightly shaking off Renjun’s hand. This time he made sure not to look at Renjun’s reaction, because he didn’t want to feel the guilt that had washed over him at the hurt that previously resided.   
“Different is better. I’m more free than you are, aren’t I?” Donghyuck taunted, striding forward at an impossibly fast pace for a mere human. It was strange, the slight differences Jeno could now pinpoint. He told himself it was a good thing.   
“I wouldn’t say free. I think it’s reckless.”  
“Whatever. All I hear out of you guys is nagging. Give me a break on the babysitter bullshit. I can take care of myself.”  
Jeno kept his distance from Donghyuck, allowing himself to fall slightly behind and near Renjun. The latter flashed him a genuine smile before taking the lead and heading into the apartment complex.  
When they reached the apartment, the door was already unlocked due to Donghyuck. Jeno felt his stomach sink, twisted up and churning as he hesitantly followed Renjun into the apartment. He was surprised at the normality of the place, looking like what one would expect a guys’ apartment to look like. It was quite messy, even a gaming console system sprawled across the floor in front of the suspended tv on the living room wall. His eyes swept the expanse of what was in sight, his gaze lingering on the place that he remembered seeing his first dead body.   
Swallowing past his nerves, he followed Renjun further into the apartment, hearing chatter from down the hall. He tried to soothe himself, telling himself this was best for him even though he wasn’t sure that was the truth. He wasn’t even sure if this led to his survival. These guys might as well be planning to murder and eat him, and Jeno was walking into it willingly. Shoving all those doubtful thoughts away, he listened to the small voice in his head that told him to trust Renjun and followed him into the slightly ajar room.  
Again, he was thrown for a loop.  
Because the two guys in the room were nothing like his horrid memory from before, the intimidating figures that had been keeled over a human corpse. No, these seemed like regular guys.  
The nearest guy was rapidly tapping at the gaming computer set that was rested in the corner, cursing every time he must’ve messed up. His hair was messy, unkempt, but from Jeno’s point of view it seemed to suit him well.   
The farthest presence was in the corner and sprawled across the bed that was slightly raised off the ground. He had his headphones on over his ears, his arms resting underneath his head and his eyes peacefully closed.   
Jeno was definitely confused, more thrown off about the life of ghouls than he had ever been confused about anything. They seemed… human-like. They were human-like, aside from their diet. He supposed that’s how it had to be if they wanted to implement themselves into society.  
His mind thought of all the times he heard of ghoul attacks on tv, how they were constantly painted as these monsters who did nothing but kill mercilessly and hunted innocent lives. And he was sure that not every ghoul was like the guys before him. But a small part of him was grateful that these were the guys that happened to take him in, because he feared what would’ve happened if a ghoul with ill intentions had gotten their hands on him instead.  
It was at that moment that his view on the situation shifted a little bit, but he shoved that aside as Renjun called for the guy on the bed. So he was the one named Mark.  
The gaming guy paused his computer, effectively silencing the noises blaring in the room. Swirling in his computer chair, he leaned back casually as he clasped his hands together above his lap. Jeno eyed him back, sensing nothing but curiosity from the gamer’s open face. He was completely taken off guard when he shot him a bright smile, his voice smoothly rolling out as he said, “Name’s Jaemin. You’re Jeno, right?”  
Jeno pursed his lips, nodding his head slightly.  
“It hasn’t been a minute and you’re already making him uncomfortable,” The headphones guy approached slowly, as if to respect how on edge Jeno was at the moment. He silently appreciated it. Mark looked younger than how his disturbed memory painted him, less horrifying when his eyes weren’t transformed into those of a ghoul. And for a moment, it almost felt like he was just making new friends. Perhaps he was, but Jeno wasn’t sure how to go about this. This was an entirely different world after all.  
Mark encouraged him, however, and effectively ended Jeno’s wary thoughts. With a small smile, he reached out a hand and gave him the option to shake it. Jeno took a moment to study Mark’s friendly face, and how his vibe was vastly different from the one he got from Donghyuck, even from Renjun. He seemed… confident, assured. And when he looked into Mark’s eyes, he strangely felt comforted. Jeno himself felt at ease, like the aura this guy oozed was enough to convince him that everything was going to be okay.   
Jeno reached out and clasped his hand, allowing himself to indulge in Mark’s brightened face, and how it seemed to ease his nerves even further.  
“I’m Mark. And we’re going to do the best we can to help you adjust to your new life.”  
Jeno was quite tired of getting woken up by pounding at his front door. Stomping over to the rattling front door, he swung it open and seared a glare into Donghyuck’s unfazed face.  
“Get lost, Hyuck. I’m trying to get some sleep.”  
Donghyuck merely blinked at him before nonchalantly slurring, “Lost, my ass. You can sleep later. We have shit to do.”  
“Why does it have to be me? Go find someone else to bother.” Jeno’s simple words seemed to piss Donghyuck off, because a moment later Jeno was sprawled across his back on the floor before his front door, his breath knocked out of him. Donghyuck kneeled by his face, gazing down at him with blazing eyes.  
He growled, “You think I want to be babysitting a helpless little shit? Because it’s the last thing I’d want to do. Right below ripping off my own arm. So stop being a difficult asshole, get dressed, and meet me downstairs in five minutes. We don’t have all day,” Donghyuck raised himself up and made his way to the door. Before he was completely out of view, he turned and added, “Oh, and don’t make me have to come up here again. Because if I do, your breath won’t be the only thing leaving your body.”  
Jeno believed him.  
And in record time, he was downstairs and outside in under five minutes. As he stepped out onto the sidewalk and searched for where Donghyuck was, he was not happy when his eyes found him. In fact, he didn’t like the sight before him at all, because admittedly red flags raised up within his chest as he watched silently for a moment.  
It only took a moment, though, before Jeno strode forward and towards the sight of Donghyuck’s close proximity to Y/N. He couldn’t hear anything being exchanged between them, though he could spot Y/N’s tense expression and Donghyuck’s cold eyes. Their close proximity definitely didn’t sit well with him at all.  
“Donghyuck,” Jeno called, wanting to punch himself for how obvious his nerves were through the simple name.  
Donghyuck didn’t turn at his name, his little grin still on display and directed at Y/N. She didn’t react to Jeno’s presence either, not breaking her eye contact with the guy before her. They were in the middle of a staredown that Jeno didn’t know the reason behind, and he didn’t like the feeling in his stomach. Most importantly, he didn’t like the look in Donghyuck’s eyes.  
“Let’s go.” Donghyuck still didn’t react, and Jeno felt the frustration build. Without any hesitation, he stepped forward and forcefully grabbed onto his arm, aggressively pulling him away from Y/N and subtly stepping in between them. Thankfully no one noticed, but it still didn’t break their gazes on each other. Jeno’s heart was beating as fast as a drum, his hands clammy as he decided the best option was to get Donghyuck away from her as quickly as possible.  
Grabbing onto Donghyuck’s arm, he started dragging him away, only glancing at Y/N once before continuing to pull him down the pavement- although it was more Donghyuck than Jeno now, considering he was walking on his own accord. Donghyuck glanced back at Y/N, his grin sinister and stretching his lips as he flashed a wink at her before facing his attention forward. Jeno was afraid of him, sure, but suddenly he was more afraid of him after this moment. He didn’t like the look in his eyes, he didn’t like his exchange with Y/N, and he didn’t like the feeling in his chest.   
“What was that?” Jeno’s voice came out stronger than before, a bark.  
“What was what?” A slur, a lazy smirk.   
“What did you say to her? Donghyuck, that’s my neighbor. That’s my-” He wanted to say friend, but he wasn’t even sure of what to call her. They had met up twice since the first time, for dinner at Y/N’s place and a movie at his apartment. He was sure that the feeling he got around her wasn’t right, and that the risk was more terrifying now even more than when he initially found out what he was. But he couldn’t help himself. Since the moment she had helped him into his apartment, she always seemed to be a thought in his mind.   
Upon adjusting to his new lifestyle, his life felt devoid of warmth.   
As time went on, and he became closer to Y/N, became friends with her, he realized that warmth was slowly entering his body once again. It was filling him through the fingertips that grazed her hands when he handed her a steaming mug, in his eyes when they grazed over her form whenever she tapped away at her computer since she couldn’t sit through a whole dinner without worrying about an assignment. The warmth was even filling his apartment, for she took on a habit of gifting him with small little decorations he could display throughout his home.  
And of course, he hadn’t told the others about her.  
He was afraid of what they would say, not what they would do. It had been a couple weeks since he had met Mark and Jaemin, but he quickly learned of the types of hearts they both beared.   
Mark took on the role of the older brother, almost. He looked out for everyone, extremely observant and constantly asking how everyone was doing. Besides the serious side of him that could silence the crashing waves within Jeno’s heart, he had an entertaining side to him that had thousands of stories to tell. He was animated, his hands telling a story while his eyes played the role of a co-narrator. Jeno quickly accepted how his heart opened up to him.  
Jaemin took a little while longer, for Jeno’s initial judgment was off the target. He had initially assumed the guy was cold, maybe even having a cruel streak similar to Donghyuck. He was vastly wrong, he soon realized. Jaemin was a quiet soul, reserved and thoughtful. His eyes always seemed to catch things that even Mark couldn’t see, which probably played a role as to why Jaemin seemed to be Mark’s right hand man. Yet, he had a loving side. It was in the way he messed with Renjun, ignoring the latter’s complaints and roughing him up before ruffling his hair. It was his way of draping a blanket across Jeno’s shoulders when he was having a rough time, his eyes distant and his heart nowhere to be found as he recalled the life he used to have. It was in the way that he seemed to be the only one that didn’t get verbally- or physically- attacked by Donghyuck. Eventually, Jeno quickly grew fond of him as well.   
Jeno’s attention quickly snapped back to Donghyuck, composing his facial expression as he trained his eyes forward, ignoring Donghyuck’s gaze.   
“Oh?” Jeno ignored Donghyuck’s assuming tone. “I understand. You should’ve just said so, Jeno. I wouldn’t have put on a show like that if I’d have known she was yours.”  
“She’s not mine, she’s just- Please don’t do anything stupid. She’s a friend.”  
“I wasn’t planning on it.” Jeno didn’t believe him. Donghyuck directed his gaze up to the sky, his eyes emotionless as he voiced, “She’s cute.”  
And for some reason, Jeno believed the finality in his tone. Because like the others, over time he learned how to gauge the type of person Donghyuck happened to be. And through the finality in his tone, he knew that he wouldn’t mess with Y/N, that he wouldn’t hurt her. For now, Jeno could rest assured.   
In any situation, it was all about the look in Donghyuck’s eyes.  
And in this moment, his eyes read that he wouldn’t go back on his word.  
For that, Jeno was thankful. Because even though Donghyuck could be cruel, hurtful, and easily hurt someone when he felt like it, he was with the other guys for a reason. And it took a while for Jeno to figure it out, but over time it quickly became obvious that he cared about the others. They were his family just as much as Mark said, or as much as Jaemin depicted. It was in the way that Donghyuck always came back home, and how he always seemed to be there whenever Mark and the others went to look for… a way to quench their hunger. It was his silent way to look out for them from a distance, just in case something went wrong. It took even longer for Jeno to see it in the way that Donghyuck always showed up at his house unannounced, even when they had nothing to do.   
It seemed that Donghyuck was a person of actions, not words. And even if he scared Jeno, and wasn’t like the other ghouls, he did care.   
And brushing away the memory of him staring down Y/N, he had to remind himself of that.  
~  
It was nearing the end of the GEC study program, and Y/N became more nervous for the future. What once used to be so vivid and clear to her, became a blur the moment she decided to join the school. She used to be able to picture her future, the happiness that she would eventually find. She even used to be able to picture Chenle returning to a semblance of his past self, all smiles and eagerness. Now, her future was blank. It was dark, uncertain. And she couldn’t shake the feeling that both her and Chenle were making grave mistakes by entering this lifestyle.  
The day had come where she was to confess her secret to Chenle, that she had been working to join the GEC workforce. Y/N swallowed her nerves as she rubbed her hands, waiting for Chenle to arrive at her apartment. She was worried about his reaction, but she knew there was no going back. It had been six months since she first joined the school, and at the progress she was making, it wouldn’t be long until she was out on the field like Chenle. The thought sent her stomach on a spiral.  
A gentle knock at her front door garnered her attention, a sharp intake of breath effectively cutting off her nervous thoughts. She took a moment to collect herself before standing slowly, and proceeding to approach the front door. He was just on time, his prediction precise as she pulled open the door and found Chenle on the other side. Her eyes unconsciously swept over his appearance, her heart blackening with sadness at the unfamiliar sight of her friend.  
Admittedly, it had been too long since they had seen each other. Because of his new career, he hardly had any free time. And because of Y/N’s secret, she found it hard to find time to be around him without feeling the urge to confess. So over time, it became harder to find effort on both sides to see one another. Regardless of that, Chenle would never refuse to see her when she had something important to talk about. She could count on that, and he had followed through once again by showing up at her front door.  
What had saddened her upon first sight was how different he looked. In terms of physical appearance, not much had changed. He was slightly taller, more filled out, and she assumed it was because of what the GEC had him doing. She pushed that thought further down as she continued to take him in slowly. His hair was back to its natural color, brown and residing in a soft and neat cut on the top of his head. His face even seemed to have matured a little bit. Yet, his physical appearance wasn’t really what had twisted her heart. It was his eyes.  
From one look, she could see that they were dimmed, possibly to the last shade. She couldn’t even imagine what he had witnessed, experienced, in the recent months of his new life. From the lessons and training that she underwent, she had a pretty good idea of the horrors he faced. Turning away, she found it hard to look at him, her throat tightening as she returned to her spot on the couch. Squeezing her eyes closed, she tried to brush off the images flashing in her mind, of Chenle facing ghouls, of constantly being in imminent danger. Y/N tried to stop herself from imagining the scars that likely painted his body, from the battles he found himself in and from the risk he was always facing. Pulling her legs up onto the couch, she wrapped her arms around her legs and willed herself to have strength. Not only for Chenle, who had likely matured tenfold in the last couple months than he had his entire life, but for herself as well. She needed to get a handle on herself, or else she wouldn’t be doing anyone any good. The future she chose for herself was uncertain, dipped in the risk of death and sorrow. It was better than leaving Chenle to fend for himself.  
“Is everything okay?” His voice even sounded slightly different, and it struck Y/N with emotion that she hadn’t anticipated. She refused to look at him, knowing that he was staring at her. He was stood in the corner of her vision, his attire dark and his eyes even darker. She needed to lie to him.  
“Yes. Everything’s fine. I haven’t seen you in a while.”  
“Work is… demanding. I can’t really control that. And I’m sure you’ve been busy with school.” He didn’t even know, but he was right on the money.   
“You can say that…” This was the moment, the fear building through the expanse of her body and causing her to hesitate. She felt sick to her stomach, so deathly afraid of what his reaction would be. But he needed to know her plans, how she wasn’t going to allow him to continue to go out in the world and risk his life. She had known from the moment he signed up, that he wasn’t in the right state of mind. He was doing it out of his own grief and vengeance, to somehow bring meaning to the wrong that was done to his best friend Park Jisung. He thought that blindly entering the dark world of taking lives was going to somehow shed light on the tragedy that happened to their young friend, to perhaps right the wrong that had been done. That was far from the reality, and she knew that if she let him continue on without anyone looking out for him, she would lose him.   
With a newfound determination, she straightened in her seat and let her eyes firmly connect with his gaze. Cocking an eyebrow at her, she ignored his questioning gaze and allowed herself a moment to bathe in the calm that was radiating from him, telling herself to prepare for it to morph into anger when she told him the truth.  
“I have something to tell you.”  
“Okay…”  
Taking in another breath, she calmly delivered the blow. “For the past several months, I’ve been enrolled into the GEC School of Study. I plan to become an investigator in a little over two months.”  
They were suspended in silence, her nerves almost pushing her to puke. Clenching her fists, she continued staring at his blank face, his eyes emotionless as he stared back at her. After what felt like hours, he finally responded.  
“You’re joking.”  
She slowly shook her head. “No, I’m not. After I finish my training, I’ll be assigned to an investigative team-”  
“Yeah, I’m not an idiot. I know the process because I went through it myself,” His voice was picking up, an edge to it that she had never witnessed before. It scared her, shocked her into silence. Her assumptions were right; he was angry. “I hope you’re kidding. I really hope, for your sake, that this is a sick joke.”  
She cautiously stood up, taking a step towards him, but his warning look stopped her in her tracks. Y/N shook her head once more, trying to find the words she had planned to say but coming up short. “I-I’m serious, Chenle. I’m going to be a ghoul investigator.”  
“No you’re not.” His booming voice cut through the expanse of the apartment, startling her as her wide eyes trained on her friend. Chenle, the youthful boy who radiated in her memories, his bright laughter a distinct echo in her mind. He had been morphed into this tainted and heartbroken young man, out for blood to avenge his friend. At this rate, he was heading towards his downfall.   
With her instilled thoughts, she stepped closer, but he took a step back, his face twisted in disbelief and his eyes flashing with hostility. She ignored how he tried to get away from her, only stopping when she was close enough. Her own eyes were likely flashing, searching his face for any signs of her old friend. Nothing.  
With a firmness she didn’t know existed within her, she said in her own cold voice, “I’m going to whether you like it or not.”  
They held each other’s gazes for several beats, before a ghost of a smirk filtered across his lips. Her heart fell at the sight of his eyes softening into something melancholic, something… tired. In a quiet whisper, he asked, “What happened to that speech about the dangers of this type of work? How if I went through with it, I would only get myself killed? Is that what you want? Do you want to sign yourself up to die? Why? What… You have dreams, Y/N. What changed? I don’t want you… to see the things I see.”  
She tilted her head, finding it in herself to reach forward and cup his cheek. He stared back at her, and she assumed that they both felt how much their bond had been broken. Something had shifted between them, and it broke her heart. Willing her tears to go away, she mustered up a smile as she said, “I have to do this. I’m not going to let you die. This is the only way. This was the only way to make sure you don’t go out and get yourself killed. I’ll be there to look out for you.”  
His eyes fluttered closed, his face twisting in pain. She could sense his disapproval, his immense hurt at the revelation of her plans. But he couldn’t blame her, because she was ultimately signing up for the same thing that he did months prior. Different motives, same situation. He could do nothing but learn to accept it.  
It seemed, however, that it wasn’t his intentions at that exact moment. Stepping away from her, he hoarsely whispered, “I got to get away from here. I-” And like that, he made a beeline for the door, faster than she remembered.  
Without any thought, she rushed after him, calling his name. He was already down the hall, past Jeno’s door and heading towards the stairwell.  
“Chenle, wait! Please!” Her voice was injected with desperation, afraid and hurt and overwhelmed with sadness. She raced after him, hoping to reach him and somehow convince him that this was the right course of action. But how could she convince him of that when she couldn’t even convince herself?  
She ignored the sound of Jeno’s front door opening from behind her, and raced down the stairs. By the time she reached the lobby, any sign of her friend had dissipated into the air. Turning on her heel, she dragged herself back up to her apartment, ignoring the ache in her chest just like she always did. She dismissed Chenle’s actions, because she knew the feeling all too well. When she found out about his plans to be an investigator, she wanted to run away too but she didn’t. She supported him, even though she knew he was a sufferable soul that had no intentions of finding a way to cope. It stung that he couldn’t reciprocate.  
Jeno was waiting outside his front door when she reached her floor.   
She merely gave him an empty look before brushing past him, not in the mood for conversation. It was true that she had gotten closer to him in the past couple of months, that her fondness for him grew every time her eyes laid upon him. It was moments like the one she just had that reminded her of how dark the world could be, and how she needed to be mindful of that from here on out. After all, she was entering the most dangerous field of work ever known. The thought of that made her feel sick.   
“Y/N…”  
“Not now, Jeno. Not now.”   
And he respected her words, keeping his distance for the amount of time he deemed suitable. Not even five hours later, though, she recognized his knock at her front door. She hadn’t moved from her position on the couch, not even when the sun went down and she was shrouded in complete darkness. She couldn’t shake the memory of Chenle’s hurt face, of how he couldn’t bear the thought of her experiencing what she was about to walk into herself. She was well aware of the risks, of how uncertain her future had become with the simple choice of becoming an investigator. But the choice was already made, and she wouldn’t change it. And maybe he would never understand it, but it was for his sake. She would do everything in her power to be his control when he lost it, to be his grip when his own lessened. Y/N feared the repercussions if he lost himself and she wasn’t beside him. And that’s how she knew this was what she needed to do.  
Without realizing it, she had let Jeno in and led him to her living room. He didn’t turn on the lights, and she was silently thankful. She returned to her original position, and sensed his presence beside her on the other side of the couch. It was only then that she noticed the storm raging outside. Glancing at Jeno, who was unmoving on the other side of the couch, she wondered if he came over because of the storm. She didn’t dwell on it, quickly getting lost in her thoughts once more.  
The thunder boomed, rattling the windows. Soon, heavy rain beat into the window   
panes, a conversation unraveling between the thunder, lightning, and the rain itself. It was aggressive, a war, a fight for the superior. The lightning consecutively lit up the room like a flickering light bulb. Each played a part in the conversation, in painting a story of the storm. Its rage was prominent, vocal and resilient. And somehow, it silenced Y/N’s own raging thoughts.  
“You’re hurting.”  
She didn’t answer Jeno, which she hoped was enough of an answer. It was. He continued to speak. “I am too. We all are, especially in this fucked up world. We grow up, and we realize that this world is far from the colorful one that we remember as children. It is so devoid of color, sometimes we don’t even remember what color looks like, what warmth feels like. We experience heartbreak after heartbreak, sometimes one after the other and it’s like… when do we ever get a chance to catch our breath? The reality is that we are never given that chance, only moments with our heads above the water before a wave smacks into us and drags us under once more.  
“And over time, I learned to accept it. This is life now. Nothing but suffering, and darkness, and loss. That is, until I began to realize that there are small flickers, beacons, that act as our buoys of survival. There’s opportunities to laugh, to smile, for our heart to race in a different way from fear. It can race out of love, anticipation, longing. Those sensations, those feelings, those people that cause them… They’re rare. And they’re pretty lies, a way to cope with the darkness that’s our reality. And maybe pretty lies are too good for the people that hurt, but…” Y/N didn’t reject the sounds of Jeno scooting closer, of his voice drawing nearer. She didn’t reject his words because she knew exactly was he was implying, what he was saying. She agreed with him, her mind recollecting every moment that she spent with him.   
Their slices of memories were miniscule, minor escapes from the harshness of life. She didn’t know his demons, and he didn’t know hers, but somehow they could relieve each other of their pain whenever they were in each other’s presence. She hadn’t figured out what their connection was, and she was sure he hadn’t either. But she couldn’t deny that he was her pretty lie, her slice of peace. When she looked at him, she could forget about the pain she felt, or the fear that was instilled into her bones at the thought of following Chenle to death. When she was near Jeno, she could pretend that the only person that existed was him, the only reality that surrounded them was void of death, loss, ghouls, and heartbreak. It was just her and him.  
“... Even pretty lies can be the key to easing the heart, if only for a little while.”   
She didn’t pull away when he hesitantly pressed his lips to hers, didn’t reject him. She returned the favor, the care in her heart pressing down and out of sight. Deep down inside, she sensed how they were both broken, complicated beings that should run away from associating with each other. She couldn’t turn away though, from the boy who eased her pains and who silenced her frantic mind. And she was positive that he was the same way through the way he silently watched her ever since they grew closer, and never failed to be around when things were okay just as much as when things were rough.  
They told themselves that this was only a spur of the moment thing, that their kiss meant nothing.  
They ignored the warning signs of her tightened grip on his wrist, and of his reluctance to pull away. They both ignored how the longer they spent time around each other, the more their hearts beat in sync, lighting up when the other was around.  
They pretended that they didn’t care as much as they actually did.  
Both Y/N and Jeno knew their lives would not mesh well, believing in that for different reasons. She knew how uncertain her future was, and he was aware of the dark lifestyle he now led and the dangers that came along with it.   
Regardless of their knowledge, they couldn’t deny the aches in their chests that only existed the longer they spent time around together.  
Perhaps, if they had denied themselves of each other, they wouldn’t have to face the stone cold reality of their misfortunes.  
Two broken souls don’t come together to form a fixed whole.  
The reality is, it would only lead to the shards breaking skin… and taking lives.


End file.
